A Year That Was 2018!

by - Wednesday, January 23, 2019

I’m taking it back, 2018 was a great year!—although it was one hell of a ride to be honest. December, to be particular, was the worst.

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I never thought I could possibly miss Manila that much. I miss some people. I miss my familiar surroundings. (The fooooooood!) I was so down and preposterously, my health would not cooperate either. My stomach’s hyperacidity has gotten worse. I couldn’t eat and if ever I tried to do so, chances are I would just throw them up. For most days I was either under-time at work or absent. And if you know me well, I hate the feeling of not being productive.

Aside from my hyperacidity, my body also had a funny way to be noticed yet again. My skin was breaking so bad especially on my chin area. Hormonal. I knew my hormones were out of whack when I was already not being my usual self. I was terribly emotional. I literally lost track of my plans and life goals. For a moment, I thought I was going crazy.

For a moment, the whole month of December felt like a whole shitty year. I hated it. I also hate the idea that I had to hate my favorite month, the most celebrated month of the year. I love Christmas, you know?

March 2018 - Cherry Blossoms (cut my hair short, too!)

April 2018 - Spring Trip (Osaka - Nara - Kyoto)
May 2018 - went out to see Wisteria flowers
Then one day I just woke up and decided that I don’t want to live my life feeling like shit. I cleaned my room, wrote some personal essays, read some books, shopped some winter clothes, bought a planner and went back journaling (imagine that, I only bought a planner for 2019 during the last week of December? My usual self would’ve gone shopping for 2 planners as early as October, believe me). And as I write my feelings down on my journal, I look back and realized how much of an achievement the year 2018 was to me.

It was not full of romance, friendships, and deep connections as I hoped it would be but it was full of love for myself, for my career, for my life goals, and surprisingly, for my family (—I’m not really close to most of my relatives, so this was a shocker). I’m taking it back, 2018 was a great year.

November 2018 - Traveled to Taiwan with mom
My inability to look back and see things in a different perspective made me forget the things I was able to accomplished. I forgot how I was able to travel during spring, fall, and winter this year (Osaka-Kyoto-Nara, Taiwan, and Hyogo for Christmas). How I was able to take 2 language tests and passed them (TOEIC and JLPT) all in one year.

December 2018 - went to Rizal province with the family
How I was able to save up and treat my mom to a vacation abroad and how I was so proud to surprise her. How I was able to see my family and friends in Manila again. (God, I was in Manila every year!) And how my friends seem to not change over the course of time and our distance.

How I became, surprisingly, close with my lola and some people around me. How proud my family is for me (for being abroad, for working so hard, for every little things I did—things I don’t even understand myself).

Although, I might not share them all here, there are many other personal things that happened that I’m thankful for. Things that surprised me, things that I couldn't explain how happened but just happened. I guess the same goes for the wrong things (I wanted to change but couldn’t), they just happened. And the wisest thing one can do is just accept them. Move forward.

If 2017 made me find myself and helped me learned about myself in a light and positive way. 2018 was a ‘terror’ teacher, Whiplash-styles, but I learned a lot about myself nonetheless. I learned that while most of the time I’m driven by material possessions, I value my freedom and the love of the people around me above all else. (Jeez, sobrang drama neto but let’s go), I even shocked myself when I came to realize that even though I love beautiful lavish things, I can also do with anything simple as long as it is full of love and genuine human connection with the people I care the most.

I also learned that while I’ve pretty much have a decent grasp on how to be committed in a romantic relationship, surprisingly, I do not know how commitment really works at all. In a relationship, (albeit I can get really moody sometimes) I am devoted. I stand by my decision. I don’t look away. I commit. But that’s not me outside a romantic relationship.

In life, however, I always look back, I keep looking at the options I did not choose, I always question if I really made the right decision. So when things go south it’s so easy for me to fall prey to the idea that I failed, that I chose the wrong option, that I am indeed a failure. But we know that’s not always true.

I learned that whatever option we choose to commit to, one way or another a problem will occur, there will be consequences, the options we did not take will try to lure you into doing things. No, you don’t have to bite. Nope, you don’t have to concede. You have to commit to your choice.

You have to standy by it because at the end of the day, (you can’t just fucking surrender) there’s no fucking perfect answer; just a choice you’re willing to work hard for, fight for, and wholeheartedly embrace. And that’s commitment.

My mom would say “napaka sigurista mo eh ‘no?”. Is that bad? I don’t think so, but I always forget that we can not have it all. (And that's life!)

I’m not the most religious person but this message from a friend hit volume,God is so good talaga ‘no? He’s helping you realize what can make you truly happy...” True. In this time and age where people just do what most people do, knowing what you really want to do (to be happy) is elevating.

As of now, I don’t really have the slightest idea of what my mantra for 2019 should be. A huge part of me wants to let it go—-let go of control and let things happen. Of course, I still have my yearly and personal goals but I no longer want to be as rigid as before. Fuck plans, I want to surprise myself this year.

Thank you for reading!
If you read it all and made it this far, just know I love you! :)

You might want to read: A Year That Was 2017!


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